The Cooking Crisis

October 12, 2015

Look, I’m telling you this so you shut the hell up:  I’m terrible at cooking. I know this.  So don’t start with all of your cripplingly-high expectations and unsolicited encouragement.  It won’t change the fact that the spaghetti I’m about to eat tastes like someone put too much ketchup in taco sauce before covering it … More The Cooking Crisis

An Open Letter to People Who Write Sticky Notes

September 10, 2015

As much as I love your attempts to be as productive as you are passive-aggressive, I’m going to have to ask you to stop.  Stop writing 6-15 words on an obnoxiously luminescent piece of scrap with inferior glue on it and posting them everywhere.  Stop substituting interpersonal skills for Mickey Mouse prints and flowery initials.  … More An Open Letter to People Who Write Sticky Notes

Bloody Murder

August 31, 2015

I lie awake in my room, envisioning murder of the most satisfying sort when sleep dares not disturb my wrath.  There’s blood on my hands.  It glows with the sweetness of melted, watermelon Dum-Dums.  I have had a taste of vengeance, and it leaves my throat parched, my tongue searching the corners of my cheeks … More Bloody Murder

Top Reasons to Decline an Invitation to Run a 5k (Ft. Listina)

August 25, 2015

1.  Running sucks. 2.  Being sweaty for hours is miserable and foul. 3.  I haven’t run in over two years. 4.  The last time I ran, I was running from the police. 5.  Are hot girls gonna be there? 6.  Because if hot girls are gonna be there, then I may be able to make … More Top Reasons to Decline an Invitation to Run a 5k (Ft. Listina)

The “Dude Chuu”

August 7, 2015

During my habit of enjoying a bit of Japanese TV, I noticed something kind of funny and most certainly awesome:  the Dude Chuu.  Now, first let me explain that I completely and arbitrarily made that name up, because I think it sounds cool.  Second, the word chuu is one way to say “kiss” in Japanese.  … More The “Dude Chuu”

The Fear

July 28, 2015

Nobody’s really afraid of the dark.  Or else you’d be dribbling urine with every blink, instead of only when you try to convince yourself that there isn’t a mutant alpaca frothing with rabies in your closet and waiting for the chance to tear into your carotid artery the moment you separate from your yellow blankey.  … More The Fear

On Kissing the Love Interest After You’ve Just Saved the World From Imminent Destruction

July 20, 2015

You’ve done it.  You saved the world.  Now, you’re standing in a giant crater, post-imminent apocalyptic wind is blowing hopefully.  Somehow you managed to keep all of your teeth.  And there she is:  the Love Interest.  Oh, you’ve been more than interested.  You awkwardly fumble through every scenario where she accidentally touches your arm after … More On Kissing the Love Interest After You’ve Just Saved the World From Imminent Destruction

8 Tips for a FANTASTIC Morning (when your punk-ass roommate sleeps longer than you and you have to make him pay for his unforgivable transgression)!!

July 19, 2015

1.  Hit your snooze button. Honestly, who’s ready to jump immediately out of bed after their alarm clock goes off?  Those people are obviously soulless approximations of humans that pretend to be asleep so they can escape the terrifying nightmare that they now call their married lives.  We, thank the Lorax, aren’t those people.  There’s … More 8 Tips for a FANTASTIC Morning (when your punk-ass roommate sleeps longer than you and you have to make him pay for his unforgivable transgression)!!