8 Tips for a FANTASTIC Morning (when your bitch-ass roommate sleeps longer than you and you have to make him pay for his unforgivable transgression)!!

1.  Hit your snooze button.

Honestly, who’s ready to jump immediately out of bed after their alarm clock goes off?  Those people are obviously soulless approximations of humans that pretend to be asleep so they can escape the terrifying nightmare that they now call their married lives.  We, thank the Lorax, aren’t those people.  There’s no harm in hitting the snooze button one or two dozen times.  Until your roommate has the glaring audacity to assume the role of your mother and tell you to “Wake the fuck up!”  In fact, pretend you didn’t even realize you were hovering your hand over the maddeningly-tiny button for nine-minute intervals in order to squeeze the last bit of comfort out of your self-loathing nest.  Apologize.  And put those latex gloves we talked about before in your pocket.

2.  Grab a cup of joe.

Of course, the best part of waking up is realizing that today is the day you’re finally going to make that motherfucker pay for flaunting his extra hour of delicious unconsciousness in your face for the past 18 months.  Grab your coffee mug.  It’s the one with Santa Claus on it, because your roommate dropped the other one you had had since college of Snoopy sleeping on his dog house when he was fumbling through the cabinets looking for his douche-y yerba mate metal straws.  Little does he know, you don’t even drink coffee, anymore.  Then, fill it with tap water and open the can of black powder hidden under the sink you’ve been cooking up, little by little, after he goes to sleep.  There was that one morning when he came out to find you fiddling with the can, and you had to pour the black powder into your mug and drink it so he didn’t find anything suspicious about you smelling a table-spoon of the boom stuff.  People think explosive diarrhea is bad.  Try diarrhea exploding after having explosive diarrhea, then we can talk about the shit hitting the ventilation fan.  Not today, though.  This morning is going to be fantastic.  Turn on the coffee maker, and make sure the wires connecting it to the electrical outlet have been sufficiently shaven down with the butter knife your roommate always leaves in the sink.

3.  Post on social media to give yourself the semblance of looking well-adjusted.

Social media isn’t simply clicking through profiles of the opposite sex and trying to find porn stars of similar description to give more meaning to your obscene fantasies; it’s also for, umm, other things?  “Like” some shit the person you met twice at the gym 3 years ago says about their breakfast.  Comment positively on your roommate’s girlfriend’s photo album of them sucking up invaluable living room space in your house to play obnoxious board games.  Post something about rising and shining or whatever.  You need some concrete evidence of character stability.

4.  Put on your latex gloves.

It’s time to cut the power to the living room by flipping the circuit breaker switch, thereby guaranteeing no accidents as your leave your can of black powder close to the soon-to-be-sparking electrical wires running from the coffee machine.  Use the fresh and lovely rays of the sun beaming through the curtains to illuminate your path to vengeance.  Be sure there are no fingerprints left on the breaker.  Set the can next to the outlet.  Listen for signs of life from the sleep-traitor in the next room.

5.  Tell yourself some words of encouragement in front of the bathroom mirror.

You’re not a bad person.  You just have limits.  You’ve tried talking with him,  reasoning with him.  And he cannot be convinced to at least wake up at the same time as you for commiseration purposes, so you can walk to another temp agency and throw your resume at their faces after waiting in line for more than 40 unbearable minutes.  You thought you had a friend. You were wrong.  You’re not being childish and murderously overdramatic.  You’re being proactive.  You’re getting things done this morning!  It’s gonna be fantastic! Whoopty-completely-sincere-doo!!

6.  Get the fuck out of the house.

Make sure everything looks normal.  Turn the circuit breaker back on.  And put your latex gloves back in your pocket.  Grab your resume holder, and get your ass out of there before it becomes a smoldering crater.

7.  Walk where you need to go.

Walking will help you sort through those mixed emotions of love and envy you’ve been feeling ever since you lost your job and were too ashamed to tell anyone, so you continued waking up at the same time and job-hunting to no avail for months on end, effectively robbing you of your sanity.  A little stroll really gets the blood pumping and wakes you up, too!  Be sure and still get there on time, though.  The clock is ticking like a home-made improvised explosive device!

8.  Pray that motherfucker gets what he deserves.

After solidifying your alibi by sitting in line at the temp agency, lend an ear to the world outside.  Maybe you can hear the incredible sound of birds chirping in alarm from an explosive shockwave.  Then, your fantastic morning will be complete!


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