During my habit of enjoying a bit of Japanese TV, I noticed something kind of funny and most certainly awesome: the Dude Chuu. Now, first let me explain that I completely and arbitrarily made that name up, because I think it sounds cool. Secondly, the word chuu is one way to say “kiss” in Japanese. So, put two and two together, and you get two (?) men smushing their lips together to applause and laughter from the crowd. To my knowledge, this isn’t a splinter population of closet homosexuals laughing awkwardly and hiding behind slapstick humor to conceal their juicy feelings for one other—like frats in America. No, I’ve seen this same situation played out time(0:58) and time(3:07) again, across various levels of fame. From low-brow entertainers to boy-band members and stretching even to outdated athletes, dudes have been mashing mad labia together in front of millions of viewers. Yes, that last sentence is as uncomfortable/arousing as you want it to be.
The point is, I am in complete accordance with the Dude Chuu. It’s not even about taking a shot at gay culture. It’s exactly the opposite. There’s no romantic music and dimmed lights drawing the two together. It’s all based on a popular comedy group’s riff that begins with two people talking shit, pushing each other, acting like they’re about to descend into Mortal-Kombat-style violence, and then suddenly exchanging saliva. I said it before: it’s amazing. They’re critiquing the machismo-cultural bind that heterosexual men find themselves in when another guy makes an easily forgivable transgression on their manhood, such as cutting them off in conversation, or having differing opinions about which steak is the manliest, or inserting their genitalia into a neglected spouse while she’s wearing the wedding dress that you never told her she looked pretty in. Minor shit that has undoubtedly led to gun violence in America is being drowned in warm-hearted, soft-lipped humor in Japan.
You don’t even have to protect your macho-ness, because it’s being devalued. It’s much more lucrative to try and slip the tongue in your arch-rival’s mouth than it is to punch him in the mouth. Do you understand that?? This is the future, motherfuckers!! The Dude Chuu should reign supreme for a thousand years of glorious rule, ordained by quadruple rainbows and double-horned unipacas!!!
I want to see the day where we aren’t worried about having to stand-up for meaningless bits of machismo at the expense of broken noses, cracked knuckles, and exit wounds. I want us to be more worried about starting shit because the dude who we’re gonna get into it with has a sore on his lip that’s probably herpes, and that shit’s for life. I want us to walk away from conflict before things escalate into having to kiss that sexually-frustrated dude who always gets up out of his seat at the most trivial of offenses, since it’s the only way for him to release his libido in publicly accepted terms.
“Naw, man. You start too much shit. I’m tired of putting on chapstick for your punk-ass.”
Or: “Look, bro. You’re not even worth licking my lips for.”
How about some: “My girlfriend said I have to stop being so confrontational, because, you know, it’s flu season.”
These are the statements that will save lives.
Of course, these words have yet to be uttered by my compatriots. But I have hope for a moister, more accepting future. May the Dude Chuu ride its slobbery wave all the way to the quivering lips of Mt. Rushmore.