Top Reasons to Decline an Invitation to Run a 5k (Ft. Listina)

1.  Running sucks.

2.  Being sweaty for hours is miserable and foul.

3.  I haven’t run in over two years.

4.  The last time I ran, I was running from the police.

5.  Are hot girls gonna be there?

6.  Because if hot girls are gonna be there, then I may be able to make an appearance.

7.  Well, I guess everyone will be hot.

8.  And sweaty.

9.  Ewww…

10.  Maybe not so “eww”?

11.  What time does it start?

12.  Are you allowed to ask questions in a list?  Probably not unless it’s a list about questions.  But who made the all-encompassing List of Rules for list-making, anyway?  Shit, I can make a list with all the questions I want.  And then some answers, even.  Maybe a few pictures:  ice cream, some old school softcore, a sassy cat in a tiny helmet.  I can even make a list about what I’m gonna put in a list!

1.  Stuff.

2.  Wait…what was this list for, again?

3.  Do you remember what you were doing five minutes ago?  You know, before you had the avant-garde revelation about list-making?

4.  Who the fuck are you?

5.  Will you just answer the question?

6.  No.

7.  That’s an answer, I guess.

8.  What, are you the “list-god”?

9.  You like avoiding things, don’t you?

10.  The God of Finite Integers and Periods and Old School Softcore has some sharp criticism, huh?

11.  I’m here to help!

12.  Stop taking up my list numbers!!

13.  Stop making bullshit lists with no ending!!!

14.  …Stop being so bossy!

15.  Here we go…

16.  You go.  Get out of my list…Listy…face…

17.  Did you just call me “Listyface”?  Really?

18.  Listmus.

19.  I suppose that’s an improvement.

20.  Fine.  I’ll make a list of possible names for the Lame God of Elementary Punctuation.

21.  Is that part of your list?

22.  ….

1.  Lame God Elementary Punctuation


3.  Oh, not so clever now, are we?

4.  …, …

5.  What?  Lame God of Elementary Punctuation hurt your widdle feewings?

6.  Shut your fictional face, Listopher!

7.  Jesus.

8.  Oh, I didn’t know pagan gods used Christ-based expletives.

9.  You still haven’t answered my questions.  Or your own.

10. I don’t have to answer to you!

11. Then why are you making a list?

12.  Because…I was making a list, okay?  Then YOU butted your dumb, decimal-ly head in it!

13.  Yeah, blame the metaphysical entity without a name.

14.  Done.

14.5  Wait.  I gave you a name.

15.  Listopher?  Lame God of Elementary Punctuation?

16.  See?  That’s two names.

17.  Of course.  Two great options to choose from, there.

18.  Are gods this sarcastic?

19.  Are humans this indecisive?

20.  Yes.

21.  Candid.

22.  Thanks, Listolas.

23.  Just…stop.

24.  Listian


26.  Listina?


28.  Do you have a sex?  I always thought your were a guy, with, you know, guy shit.

29.  “Guy shit?”

30.  Yeah!  That way it’s not awkward when I make other lists that could, possibly, involve panties and booties…sometimes…rarely.

31.  If you’re embarrassed someone might find it, then I wouldn’t be making a list about it.

32.  Says who?

33.  Listina.

34.  You’re a girl!

35.  You made up the name!!

36.  Maybe it’s unisex.

37.  I hate you.

38.  Aww, come on now, man.  I was only trying to make you more personable.

39.  I’m leaving.

40.  Hey!!

41.  What???

42.  Nothing.

42.5  Just, you know.  I figured gods don’t show up much in lists. And I thought we had a good thing going and all…

43.  Christ, you’re lonely!

44.  So…shut up!  I’m gonna make a list to show you exactly how un-lonely I am.

45.  Do it, then!!

46.  You do it!  You’re the list god!!

47.  I quit.

48.  You can quit being a god?  Just like that??

49.  No, I’m quitting YOU.

50.  Well—I’m quitting you first!  My next list is gonna be all about how I am totally, in no way dependent on fictitious entities as a substitute for legitimate emotional interaction.

1.  Sometimes I exchange short greetings with old ladies when they allow me to pet their dogs.

2.  Uhhh…

3.  Listina?  A little help?


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