The Best Methods to Finally Get Around to That Book You’ve Been Trying to Read

1.  Put the book in sight.  It’ll help to know that it’s always in reach.

2.  Don’t put other shit on top of it once it’s in sight.  I know how you work; the tissues can go someplace else, so can your wallet and expired condoms.

3.  Avoid your Playstation.

4.  Okay, turn it on, just to show how rigorous your self discipline is.

5.  Fuck you.  Don’t look at me with those sad, green, puppy-dog eyes, Playstation.

6.  Look, I played with you last night.

7.  I am, in no way, addicted to Kingdom Hearts.  I promise.  Kind of.  If you believe that I’m promising you, then I don’t promise, because you should know better than to trust strangers maintaining basic blogs on the internet.  If you don’t believe me, then shove a smoldering dragonfruit up your ass.  I’m not sure what that has to do with anything, but I take offense to being doubted.  So there.

8.  All I have to do is go into the next area, fight some punkass enemies, level up a bit, then turn it off.  10 minutes.  Done.  Reading can come afterwards.

9.  Maybe 30 minutes is more appropriate.

10.  Alright.  I accidentally triggered a story event.  I’ll do that real quick, then get back to a save point and call it a night.

11.  WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING DIE!!!

12.  Who said this game was for kids??

13.  I can’t lose.  I mean, I’ve been losing for the last 25 minutes, but I’m not going out like this.  I’m dropkicking this fuckface in the anus.

14.  Why isn’t that a move?  If they’re gonna make things prohibitively difficult 5 hours into the game, then I should be able to dropkick this boss in his anus.  Completely fair.

15.  I hate this game.

16.  Should I look up some tips online?

17.  Should you also cuddle up in the fetal position with a Cabbage Patch doll?

18.  That was needlessly harsh.

19.  Let’s look at the cover:  ages 12 and up.  Yeah, Cabbage Patch doll seems about your level.

20.  I already beat this goddamn game 10 years ago!!  Fuck it, I’m looking it up online.

21.  “Cabbage Patch—”

22.  Stop that shit!!  Let’s finish this fight and go to bed!!

23.  Yeah, I was just gonna order this doll for you.  It’ll be a nice fit for your compromised manhood.

24.  Hah!  That’s sexist and discriminatory!

25.  You’re right!  Your compromised ADULTHOOD.

26.  Why are you so mean?

27.  Why are you so mean?? Wahh, Wahhh, Wahhhhhhhh.

28.  It’s 12:30.  I have work tomorrow.  I’ve been doing this for three hours, now.  Three hours!!

29.  And it’s taken you how many hours to become an adult?  29 thousand??

30.  Did you make that number up?

31.  I don’t know.  Why?  You gonna fact-check me?  Do it.  I dare you.  I double dare you, motherfucker!!  Fact check my arbitrary numbers one more goddamn time!!!

32.  ….I’m gonna give it another shot.

33.  Again.

34.  Okay.

35.  Again!

36.  Last time.

37.  Get it together!  Again!

38.  Last time?

39.  I said, “Again!”

40.  Stop it!

41.  Oh, I’m sorry.  I was being too hard on you; you better get some rest—bahahahahaha.  Ahhhhh, my fault.  I couldn’t take it, anymore.

42.  Talking to myself like an abusive parent isn’t positive.

43.  The facts remain the same:  your reflexes and reasonings aren’t befitting of twelve-year-olds.

44.

45.  Come on, now.  Don’t cry.

46.  I’m not crying!

47.  Sure.  You’re not crying.  And I’m not the violent embodiment of your inferiority complex.

48.  That was honest.

49.  I’m not such a bad guy.  Give it one more shot, and then we can go to bed.  Okay?  Okay.

50.  Fuck it.  I’m done with this list.  This wasn’t a good idea.  I’m reading a book tomorrow.

51.  We’re not finished.  We have to win.  There is no other option.

52.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.

4.  Take the book to bed with you.  It’ll help you calm down after a long struggle with your self-confidence issues.

5.  Win.  Win.  Win.

6.  Turn the lights down a bit.  This isn’t good for your eyes, but neither is playing Kingdom Hearts in a  dark room until 4 a.m.

7.  You can’t leave me like this. You NEED ME.  You know you do…

8.  The best part is, you’ll have some really vivid dreams to interact with the text more.

9.  Kingdom Hearts beckons.  You’ll be back.  I’ll make sure of that.

10.  Drifting into sleep is easier when you’ve finally knocked out a few pages, you’ll find.  You won’t even remember closing your eyes.

11.  Yes.  Sleep.  Kingdom Hearts will be there to greet your subconscious.  “When you walk away, you don’t hear me say, ‘Biiiiiiiitch….’”

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